Monday, April 16, 2012

April 16

Tonight, I had dinner at the movies with my friends Christian and Kelsey.

Yes, you read that right. We had dinner at the movies. ... It was glorious!

There's a theater by my work that's recently been refurbished. It's an older building, but the new owners gutted it and replaced everything. It just opened a few months ago and Christian and I have been meaning to go and check it out. Tonight, we went and saw Mirror, Mirror with Kels. That theater is totally awesome. (And the movie wasn't half bad, either. I was very pleasantly surprised.) The tickets were only $6 (suh-weet!) and they totally serve you dinner IN the theater. (They give you a menu when you purchase your ticket and you can order anything off the full menu at any point during the movie. They just bring your bill when the movie's about to end, so you can give them your card - just like you were out to eat at an actual restaurant.) The food was fabulous and the prices were very reasonable (think Chili's).

I'm a fan. A big fan of this place. And I'm not just saying that because I have such fond memories of the theater as it used to be. (Insert snarky laugh here.)

Yes, folks. This is the theater. As in, the one I ... erm ... "christened" back in February 2008.

For those of you who haven't been following mi vida loca for the past four years, I will repost the story as it was originally typed/posted on the very night that it happened:

Can I get a catheter with that combo?

So, here's another "sad but true" from the life of me...

I'd had kind of a long day at work today, so this afternoon I thought I'd check the local theater for show times and see if there was anything worth watching. You know me, I'd always rather go to a movie than go home after work - and when there's a show that starts at 4:30, I can leave work and get there before the previews are over. It's awesome! (This theater is literally a block up the street from where I work. It's $5 for a matinee, there's never anyone there to fight in line at the concession stand. It rocks!) As luck would have it, Fools Gold started at 4:30 on the dot. SCORE!

I hurried to the theater after work, got my ticket, and... then realized I was probably going to starve to death if I didn't get some popcorn and a coke. (Not to mention, this theater has the best popcorn I've found in a long time.) So, I bought my movie ticket at one end of the concession stand, and then was pushed over onto a kid a few feet away to get my popcorn and soda. Apparently the popcorn/soda kid was a newbie, because he asked if I'd like a medium popcorn and a soda. (Who gets a medium soda? Please.) I said, "no, thanks - I'll take a large drink... and a large popcorn", thinking that a large/large combo makes much more sense when one is having popcorn and a coke in place of a meal - as I was doing. He says "you sure?", I say "yup", and go back to rifling through my purse while the kid makes my dinner. Imagine my surprise when I look up to see, I kid you not, a 64 oz coke and a literal bucket of popcorn being passed to me across the counter. I mean, like... more than a gallon of popcorn. Literally half of what it would take to fill one of those food storage buckets we had growing up. Un-freaking-believable... The funniest part is that when I commented on how "large" the large drink and popcorn were, the kid told me I could come back and get them refilled as many times as I wanted. Yeah, right... as if I could eat/drink that and come back for more. Please.

Gargantuan soda and popcorn in hand, I made my way to the way back theater to see the movie. (Let me draw you a picture - this theater is one of those old-school-sprawled-out-multi-plexes. You know, the really old theaters that were built to cover a rough city block, back in the day when it was a novelty to show more than 2 movies in one building. I mean, this building is OLD - the theaters are long and narrow, the seats do recline (barely), but the arm-rests don't move. And there are exactly two bathrooms in the entire establishment. One for the boys, and one for the girls, located on opposite ends of the building. You're beginning to get the picture, I am sure.) My movie was "to the left", or so the ticket taker told me. He was not kidding... it was to the left. As in "turn left and walk 100 yards" - left. My theater was the very last in the very long row of theaters in a very narrow building. I got into the theater just as the beginning credits were rolling, settled down into the back row, propped my feet up on the seats in front of me (you've gotta love being the only person in an entire theater who paid to see the 4:30 show), positioned the bucket of popcorn and soda in my lap (no cup holder in the arm rest) and sat back, ready to enjoy Matthew McConauhottie in his latest shirtless adventure.

Sure enough, sooner than I can explain it, I'm laughing it up, enjoying the Key West scenery, ogling Matthew, and.... my coke is gone. It's about... oh, I'd say 20 minutes into the movie, and my straw is making that "empty cup" sound. (I know, I can't explain myself. There is something in fountain Coke that just makes me... I don't know, suck it down.) I think to myself "the kid did say that I could have as many refills as I wanted" and consider hoofing it back to the concession stand, but when push comes to shove, I know that I'd be taking a chance on missing Matthew do something unexpected (like drag an anchor across the ocean floor), and I opt to "tough it out", so I just hang out with the bucket of popcorn, and proceed to eat half of that... dry, with nothing to wash it down. (Again - I know. I don't know how in the world I ate all of that.)

About halfway through the movie, I start to get uncomfortable. In a "gosh, I wish they'd do some land shots... all this water is making me feel like I have to pee" kind of way. (Yeah, the water shots/sounds AND the 64 ounces of liquid refreshment I'd downed not half an hour earlier.) Another 20-30 minutes into the movie, and I was literally crossing my legs and concentrating on "not thinking about it", sure that if I didn't think about it, I'd be able to make it through the movie. Ten minutes later (maybe 10 minutes before the end of the show) I knew I had to make a run for it. I grabbed my purse and started the trek to the ladies' room. I got about halfway through the complex (remember the 100 yard walk from the concession stand to the theater I was in? the men's room was right by the concession stand...). When I got to the men's room, it was like my bladder had eyes in the front of my head, and suddenly I realized I was about to lose it. My body could sense that toilets were near, but my mind could not let me walk into the men's room... I looked ahead (I'd made it about half way) to the ladies' room, and thought (unbelievably enough) "if I run, I think I'll make it". (Yeah right, like running when you're about to burst is ever a good idea, but that is what I thought.) And that is what I did. I started to trot, and... as soon as my second foot hit the floor, the dam burst. I mean, burst... I ran to the ladies', all the while peeing a steady stream. Not leaking, not spotting... PEEING. (And laughing, mind you. Kind of hysterically. That didn't help.) By the time I got the the ladies', my pants were soaked to the knees, I had pee splattered on my shoes, and I still had to go! I went into a stall to finish the job... peed for a ridiculously, seemingly impossibly long time, all the while bent over sopping up my shoes with TP and cursing my luck that I was going to have to walk back into the theater and into the parking lot in my state. The worst of it was that I was having guilt pangs about having left my popcorn bucket and coke cup there for the janitors to pick up. I opted to run back to the theater to get my bucket and cup and throw them out, lest my mother ever find out I left my trash for someone else to throw out (forget the fact that her 33 yr old daughter just peed her pants in public)...

I trotted my way back to the theater (a much easier feat on an empty bladder than it is on a full one), caught the last 5 minutes of the movie (standing, mind you... I wasn't going to sit in a public seat in my state, don't you worry about that), took my bucket and cup out to the trash, and... thanked my lucky stars that I'd been in the far left theater - as there was an exit right outside my theater door. I made a mad dash through the parking lot to my car, thanked my lucky stars that it was twilight and thus not quite so obvious that my pants were in such a state... then thanked my lucky stars AGAIN at my foresight in having worn a coat to work this morning (so I had something to sit on while I drove the 30 minutes it takes to get home).

Needless to say, I came straight home, threw my clothes (and coat) in the laundry and myself in the shower.... and then typed this all out for your reading pleasure. :) As horrifying as it is to me that I had an "accident" of such magnitude, I'm so grateful that it didn't happen on a date (can you imagine the horror?), that I had to tell you all about it. I'm going to consider this a lesson learned in moderation - next time I go to the movies and a kid offers me a medium drink, I think I'll take it. Unless, of course, I can get a catheter to go with my large, in which case I might even take the kid up on the free refills.

True story, folks. True. Story. I had to literally upend my ballet flats and pour the pee out of them. (Don't worry, I threw the shoes away.)

The best part about the movie last night was the proximity of the ladies' room to the theater we were in. Knowing that theater as I do, I'd had some concerns that I may have to walk a little too far to get to the little girls' room. Lucky for me (and the girls who were with me, both of whom have known me since 2008 and are well aware of my ... uh ... escapades), the toilets were no more than 20 feet from the door of our theater.

We'll totally be going back. The place has really been spruced up. All new seats. All new carpet. All new staff, none of which know anything about me or my unfortunate episode...