Friday, April 27, 2012

April 27

The song Live Like You Were Dying always makes me feel like I should have a bucket list.

*Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen the movie Bucket List, because this video is gonna tell you more than you want to know about the movie if you don't already know it like the back of your hand. You know, like I do.

I have to say it. I freaking LOVE this movie! And not just because Morgan Freeman reminds me of my grandad. (You know, if my grandad had been black. I think it's the eyes. And the posture.) Anyway, I love this movie and when I was looking for videos for this song and saw that someone had set it to scenes from this movie, I was thrilled. That first "sky-diving" reference before the video cuts back to the song was genius.

Anyway, what I was saying (before I went off on that Morgan Freeman/Russell Ball tangent) is... this song comes on the radio at work at least once a day (probably more like three times a day - we have a commercial free radio station and it loops a lot of the same songs through at the same time every day). At least once a week, when I hear this song come on, I stop whatever it is that I'm doing. I stop and I listen and I think for a minute and I wonder why I can't make a bucket list. This song makes it sound like a fun thing to have. For a girl who loves lists as much as I do (and... uh... a girl who has the cancer), you'd think I'd be all over this bucket list business. But I just can't make one. I probably could have before I had a diagnosis, but now it feels oddly final to even think about making this kind of list, so I don't.

But I still love the movie Bucket List. And I still love this song. Because I can relate on a lot of levels. Not that I want to go sky diving or Rocky Mountain climbing. (And we'll all know that there's something truly and deeply wrong with me if I ever talk about wanting to ride a bull named Fumanchu.) Oh, no. Having the cancer did not turn me into a daredevil. (Nor did it make me a sports fan. Sorry, Mich.) But it clarified what really matters in my life, and I can relate to a lot of the lyrics in this song. ... I can tell you is that the line "Someday, I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying" always makes me choke. Always. As does "I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter". Not that I've ever felt like I was dying per se, but I can tell you here and now that cancer changed my life. It changed me.

I've always made an effort to make and keep lasting relationships. People have always mattered to me. My friends and my family have always been at the top of my priority list and I've worked really hard to maintain relationships with those both near and far. And that work has paid off. In the last two years, those relationships have proved to be the most valuable thing I have. (Okay, so they're the ONLY valuable thing I have. The point is, I value them. A lot.) I'm grateful for the clarity that being sick can bring. I'm grateful for not only the amazing people in my life, but the awareness that I have of how incredibly blessed I am to have them.

Now, if I could just find a ridiculously wealthy person to fly me all over the world and buy me all kinds of stuff. (Maybe a little younger than Jack Nicholson? ... Maybe someone who looked like Nathan Fillion? Come on, Universe. I'm sending my messages out loud and clear here. Make it happen!)