Wednesday, July 25, 2012

July 25 - Late

My 20 year high school reunion is this weekend. ... And I really want to be there, but I don't know if I'll be able to go.

I hate the cancer. I hate it.

*FYI: I also hate recovering from surgery. And this one's been a beast.

See, the thing is... even though I'm a lot better than I have been, I am not well. I am so much stronger than I was even a week ago, but I don't know if I have it in me to make the 3 hour trip home. And I hate that.

I hate that I am nauseated almost all of the time. I hate that my bowels don't know if they're coming or going. I hate that I'm so tired that I have to take at least one (4-5 hour) nap a day. I hate that I can't stand up straight or walk like a normal person or laugh out loud.

Just for a weekend, I want my life to be normal. I want to be able to see friends from high school, some of whom I haven't seen in ten years. I want to be able to talk with them and laugh with them. I want to be able to hug people without fear of someone touching my back or side in the wrong place and hurting me. I want to be in Taylor, to smell the grass and the corn fields and the summer rain. I want to sleep in my old room with the window open. I want to hear the sounds of the ball park, and know everyone I see when I go "in to town". ... I want to go home.

There are so many things that I want, and right now - tonight - all of them feel out of reach.

Tomorrow, I promise, I'll go back to my usual upbeat and positive self. But right now, I am sitting in my recliner, tears streaming down my face, and I am thinking that it is high time that I am good and honest about how hard this all is sometimes. Too many people think I'm strong all the time, and that I'm handling this all incredibly well. Neither of those statements could possibly be true. No one is strong all of the time, and there are some things that are more difficult than others to deal with. Most of the time, I can be strong and I can juggle my health against what I want/need to do in my life. But some of the time, I can't. Some of the time, it's too much, and all I can do is sit and cry and wish for a slightly different life with significantly better health.

There are a lot of blessings that my poor health has brought me. I have clarity now that I didn't have three years ago, and in a lot of ways my life is richer now that it was before, but on nights like tonight - when I am overwhelmed by how poorly I feel and the realization that there is something that I want to do, but may not be able to do, stares me right in the face - I can't help but hate the cancer. Fiercely.