Thursday, October 11, 2012

October 11

A few random thoughts I've had today:

Four months ago, this week, I found out about my new little friend and knew that surgery - and a life changing experience - was in my immediate future. My mind reels at how quickly (and how slowly) time has passed this year. It has been the best of times and the worst of times. - But even at it's worst, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I'm really glad that there have always been doctors and narcotics involved when my body has known severe circumstances and extreme pain. I passed not one, but two, grizzly accidents on my way home from work tonight. My heart always goes out to the people I see standing, sitting - or, worst case scenario, on a gurney - at the side of the road, beside their crumpled car. I'm so grateful that I've never been in a real accident. (I mean, sure, I drove into Bashas when I was in high school. And there was the incident where I hit the guy riding the bike. And that cat. And the four dogs. (Just one at a time. Over the course of 20+ years.) And that time that Julie was driving and we were hit and run and I ended up having the mother of all bruises across my chest/abdomen from getting thrown against the shoulder strap. But I haven't ever been in a real, serious accident.) Today, I realized that even though my body has known serious pain and has had to heal from surgeries that I wouldn't wish on anyone, there has always been a level of control in what happened to me. ... Okay, not with the cancer happening. There's no controlling THAT (trust me, I've tried - and it can't be done), but there has always been control in scheduling a surgery. ... There has always been anesthesia. I have always had a skilled physician cutting into my body. There has been control, in that I knew what I was going into and have had an opportunity to make some sort of peace with that before I went under the knife. I have never had a bone broken on impact, or had to deal with the sight of my own blood while I wanted for an emergency response team to arrive. I have never had to comfort children or other passengers, telling them that someone will come and it will be alright. I don't have flashbacks or horrible memories of an auto accident that hurt my body and changed my life. ... I know some people may think I sound nutty, but tonight I am so grateful that it was cancer that wrecked my body and not a car. I'm grateful for the very small element of control I have had in choosing to undergo surgery, for the trust I have always been able to have in my surgeons, for anesthesia that I know will keep me out while the worst is done to my body. Call me cuckoo, but I would take cancer over a car wreck.

I wish ice cream cones had more nutritional content.

There is a mosquito in my apartment. He's been here for almost a week now. (Do you love that I assign the male pronoun to a bug? Sorry about that, Men of the World. I love you, I really do. But bugs - and, oddly, electronics - are male in my book.) I keep seeing him flying around. He lands on my mirror or on the wall in front of me every morning when I'm putting my makeup on. I'm too slow (and, sadly, too weak) to kill him. (I tried, the first few days I saw him. But I kept missing him, and the effort was wearing me out, so I stopped.) I saw him on my blinds this morning and thought maybe he was dead. Nope, he was just asleep. ... I have no idea how he's surviving in here without any food, but he is. I am the only living creature - other than the bug - in my apartment, and he hasn't tried to bite me even one time. I don't know how much longer the bug and I can continue to co-habitate, but he's not biting me and I'm too slow to kill him, so I think I may have a de facto roommate in the making.

What am I gonna watch when I get to the end of Blue Bloods, season 2? Any ideas? ... I'm fresh out.

I actually won something today! (This is something that hardly ever happens in my life, so I'm pretty excited.) My friend Brenda makes handmade candies (chocolate truffles that a person would D-I-E for!). She was running a promotion yesterday that every order that went in before midnight would be entered in a drawing to win $30 of handmade caramels. ... People, I won. She will be in town this weekend and I'll get to collect. I'm super psyched! Note: I will be eating all of these caramels in the next week, before I have to have my wisdom teeth out and lose the ability to open my mouth. Timing is everything and the Universe loves me. Hallelujah and amen!

The lower left side of my back has been cramping up a lot this week. I can't help but think that it can't be normal to have "kidney pain" in an area where there's no longer a kidney. I'm not sure what that's all about. My guess is scar tissue, since I know that they cleared that side of my body back in June. ... My next scan is five weeks from today. Cross your fingers it's just some really pointy, aggravated scar tissue that's poking me in the back.

I am too tired to bend over and paint my toenails. (And that, my friends, is a very sad and pathetic state of tiredness.)

It turns out that "All is well in Zion" is a Mormon saying, and not universally known. Note to self: When you're going to go off on a rant, you want to choose your words wisely, as a rant loses something in the translation when you have to translate it.

Ativan is my best friend.

Hair cutting is addicting. I whacked 6 inches off my hair on Saturday, and I've been fighting myself on a daily basis not to chop more of it off. (Seriously, I have moved my scissors in an effort to hide them from myself.)

I still can't wear heels; but I can walk down the stairs without holding the railing, I can carry a full load of laundry all by myself and I can lift a gallon of milk. They may be baby steps, but I'm glad I can take them.