Friday, January 25, 2013

This one time, I put in a yoga dvd...

That's right. One time. As in, once.

Pretty much, the one time I have ever in my life put in a yoga dvd I made the gross mistake of thinking, "This is so easy, I think I'll do the stomach/abs workout twice."

Big mistake.


I remember waking up the next morning and having a hard time getting out of bed. ... I only wish I was kidding.

This was circa 2008, and I was planning on going home that weekend. As I recall, I ended up canceling the trip. Why? Because it hurt to laugh. I mean, like the dickens. And I knew that I'd be laughing all weekend if I went home, and I just couldn't face the pain.

Never again did I do that yoga video. ... That's right. Never.

(Do I know that my abs hurt so badly because they were in some pretty rough shape and if I'd just kept it up, those exercises and stretches would have done me a lot of good? Yup. But I am not a fan of the pain, and I'm telling you... I hurt that weekend, so I just kept putting that dvd off. And then I had abdominal surgery, and I was told not to do anything more strenuous than walking. And then I had abdominal surgery. Again. And somehow, I developed a hernia, doing nothing more strenuous than walking. And then I had abdominal surgery. Again. And my stomach muscles got twisted into knots, right along with that frozen shoulder issue, and I haven't been able to walk as often/long as I could after surgeries 1 and 2..)

So, what I'm saying is... I have no abdominal muscle control. Aka: I don't do yoga.

I never really did. I mean, just the one time. And I don't know that I should actually count that, as it was a pretty lame attempt to follow a cheesy dvd. But I'm counting it anyway.

Here's the kicker: Five years ago, I did an ab workout that made me hurt for three days. And then I never did it again, and my weak and weensie stomach muscles went back to their very lax and easy ways and I didn't feel abdominal pain anymore.

And then I had surgery. Times three. In the space of 24 months.

I realized today that my stomach hurts now - every day of my life - almost as much as it hurt back then, for those three days. I don't have the soreness in my lower belly that I had that weekend, but I think that may be related to the nerve damage. (I feel nothing on the lower left side of my body. It's pretty hilarious.) But my actual core? As in, the eight or so inches that run from my breastbone to my bellybutton? ... I can't stand up without feeling muscles pull. I am sore. All the time.

Like, sore, as in, work-out sore. And I promise you that I am not doing yoga. Or sit-ups. Or crunches or any such thing.

Oh, no. I am just living. Living a pretty impact-free life, actually. Just the business of sitting up and walking around makes my stomach muscles ache.

Add to all of that living the fact that two days this week (that's right - two days this week), I moved the equivalent of three boxes of loan files. Now, I lifted each file by itself. I didn't try to lift two at a time, for fear that I'd overdo it and really hurt myself. But the fact remains that I picked up a loan file (roughly a ream of paper) and moved it from a waist-high drawer to a table top. Ten times. Two days this week.

It seems that was quite the workout. As in, my stomach is every bit as sore right now as it was after the famed yoga event of 2008.

That's just ridiculous.

My body slays me.

I'm really grateful that it works as well as it does. (I remember - very well and quite clearly, thank you - when I couldn't have lifted half a ream of paper to save my life.) But still, it slays me.