Saturday, February 1, 2014

What you (may have) missed...

Guess who's back? ... Me.

My computer has been down for, like, a month. (As in, LITERALLY a month. Check the last post date.) I'd been thinking it had something to do with my computer itself, but my bro Spencer was over this morning to put my new TV together for me (because I'm am beyond helpless when it comes to these things) and... it seems a cord had fallen out of one of those little boxes that live under my tv. It may be the router. ... I honestly don't know what those boxes are called. I just know they have blinking lights and my internet connection depends on them. ... Anyway, Spence plugged the cord back in and voila! Ye olde laptop is working again!

So, during the month of January... this is what you missed:

My friend Cindy bought me a TV. 



You heard me. MY FRIEND BOUGHT ME A TV. 

Her reasoning was that she reads my blog and she'd seen pics of the old box TV in my living room, so she knew I "needed" a flat screen. Hello! Who buys someone a flat screen television?! ... My friend Cindy, that's who. I'm still blown away by her thoughtfulness and generosity. Even now, as I sit here, watching last night's episode of Blue Bloods, I am amazed that this clarity and PRACTICALLY LIFE-SIZED VIEW OF TOM SELLECK was a gift from my dear friend. ... I may not have actually needed a new TV, but I sure am enjoying it!

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I took a little Sunday drive to Thatcher MLK weekend to do a youth fireside in my friend Evvie's ward. (I do not recommend the drive. It was like going to Holbrook and back. Six times in a row. Ugh. ... But I did have a great time, once I got there. I would recommend going to her ward, and visiting with the youth in her area. They were fabulous!)

After the fireside, Evvie gifted me with a beautiful pink box... 



...full of EVERYTHING I LOVE!

Hello! Best (okay, only) "Thank You" gift. Of. My. Life.

I feel like there are two important take-ways in this little tale:

1) Because I am addicted to public speaking, I'll go anywhere I'm invited to go. Seriously. Anywhere. Anytime. And I'll talk about anything that any of you would/could ask me to. I love that stuff!

2) And, speaking of stuff that I love... I'd like it (who's kidding who? ... I'd LOVE it) if I could get a box of salt water taffy and other assorted candy as a Thank You every time I speak somewhere.

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I pooped my pants.

Yeah, you read that right. I pooped my pants. Sort of a lot. (Five times in four days.) But the first time was the best/worst.

I don't want to be too graphic, so I won't give you ALL the details, but I will tell you that I was standing in WalMart when it happened. True story. (Because if you're going to have that kind of an accident in public, is there a better/worse place for it to happen than in the bread aisle at your local WalMart? ... I think not.)

And I'll also tell you that you don't EVER want to have that kind of thing happen when you're wearing Spanx - because all that lycra just makes everything spread. Everywhere. ... Suffice it to say that there was a grown-up blow-out situation and I came home and threw one of my beloved 62 pairs of panties straight into the trash. That's one day sooner that I'll have to do laundry next month, and I'm all kinds of upset about it.

Henry and I are, once again, friends off. (I hold him entirely responsible for all the weird poop issues of January, 2014.)

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I went to Utah, so I could say my final goodbye to this great man:


It's still just... well, surreal.

I'm so glad that I was able to go back for Mark's services. I'd been able to spend a few days in Utah just before Christmas, and I'll always be grateful that I was blessed to be there when Mark was still home, so I could spend time with Mark and Rachel and the kids (and other varied and assorted relations) at the Provo house.

Mark was so very much more to me than my cousin's husband. He was my friend. I'm so grateful for my association with him, for the many conversations we were able to have over the years. I'm grateful for his impact on my life, for his kind and patient nature. It was great to be able to be in Utah last week, to get a glimpse of how many lives he had touched. He'll be missed. ... So much. ... By so many.

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I laughed my guts out.

Literally.

I only wish I was kidding. 

Here's what happened... Christian and I went to Jesterz last night (you know I love that place, right?!), and I laughed so hard that I think Henry grew another inch.

For real.

There was this one game, where one of the actors was pretending to be a cat. ... Man alive, I laughed so hard that I had to fold my arms over my stomach and push in, so I could get Henry back inside of my body where he belongs.

After the show, we were talking in the parking lot when I realized that I was having an altogether unholy kind of abdominal pain. ... So we got into Christian's car and she drove to the other side of the parking lot so we could get a hot chocolate. (Because nothing soothes an achey stomach like hot chocolate. JUST KIDDING. ... It was cold. Which is all the excuse I need for a cup of steaming cocoa with a thick layer of whipped cream on top.)

And to top it all off... When  I got into bed last night, I couldn't lie on my side, because the gravity pulling Henry down to the mattress hurt so bad that it made me want to cry. (I mean, it also made me want to laugh. Because it was laughing that got me into this mess. But whatever.)

This stupid hernia is going to be the death of me.

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I got pulled over for drunk driving.

True story.

Last night, on the way home from the comedy show, I got pulled over. For DRUNK DRIVING.

It seems that I made a wide turn as I exited the freeway last night. A kind motorcycle cop saw me swerve into the bike lane for a half a second (in my defense, it was 11:00 PM and there were absolutely no bikes on the road at the time, so I wasn't paying as much attention to the bike lane as I would during... you know... "bike hours"), so he followed me almost all the way home.

When he walked up to my window, he asked (like they always do) if I knew why he had pulled me over. And I (like I always do), said "No". ... And that's when he told me about the wide turn/erratic driving.

I gave him the license, actually saying the words, "I swear to you, all I've been drinking is hot chocolate!", and asked if he needed to see my insurance and registration.

I'm not sure if it was that my eyes were clear, that my diction was excellent, that I had a hot chocolate cup sitting right there in my driver's side cup holder, or what... but he smiled at me, and said "No, that's not necessary. I'll just take you at your word." ... And then he gave me a little police escort home and then went on his merry way.

Phew! ... Because having to take a breathalizer when, seriously, all you've had to drink is a hot chocolate would have been kind of silly.

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And that's the month of January in a nutshell, kids.

You didn't miss much. ... I'm hoping February will be more fun and less poopy. (And I mean that in both the literal and figurative sense of the word.)

1 comment:

Beth said...

I just want to say that I love you, Cousin!