Thursday, February 12, 2015


I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I'm not a big fan of resolutions. (Okay, so I sort of HATE them. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that.) I don't go in for the whole New Year's Resolutions game. Those resolutions are too far out there, their end date is beyond my ability to see them coming. It feels totally useless to me to make changes in January that are going to get me to a certain point by November.

I know, I know. I'm not rational. But that's how I feel about resolutions. I hate them.

Now, goals? Goals, I can get behind.

But they have to be just for ME. Group goals are for the birds! (Says the girl who may or may not still be suffering from PTSD related to group project assignments in High School Biology.)

I set completely irrational goals: By Thursday this week, I will be FINE!

And I set slightly more achievable skills: On Wednesday, I will put on real clothes and take a walk around the pool.

The good news: I am totally fine with adjusting said goals when I can't meet the objective.

Because on Wednesday, all I could manage was getting dressed. That, alone, winded me.

Well, that and opening a week's worth of mail. It had been piling up on my kitchen table since I went into the hospital and since the only things I like to pile up on my kitchen table are hand-dipped chocolates and fresh-cut flowers, I had Judy bring me the mail and I sat in my chair and opened it. And I did fairly well. For about ten minutes. (Insert laugh snarky laugh here. You're not laughing at me, kids. You're laughing with me. ... This body is ridiculous, and I know it!)

By the time I got to the bottom of the mail, I had a runny nose (I'm sorry to say that it was the exertion of opening multiple envelopes/packages... I'm so lame). I went to bed last night, thinking my nose was still runny because of the dust I'd breathed in while I was opening care packages from around the world (I kid you not: people mail me stuff from around the world. I'm pretty much the luckiest girl ever, in that way.) I woke up this morning, with a sore throat, itchy ear, right nostril so swollen I can't breath out of it, and....

So much for being FINE by Thursday.

It appears that I made myself sick, opening the mail. They weren't kidding when they said my immune system would be tanked!

But I did feel better, nausea and anxiety-wise, which was most of my initial "I will be FINE on Thursday" manifesto.

So, "ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED" on that one. Sort of.

My new Thursday goals are: Shower (check) wash hair while you're in there (check) get dressed (check) send two semi-important emails (check on one, but not on the other... I'm just too tired to write well, and this one's going to be sharing a part of my soul, in hopes to get some help on the wig-maker front) oh, and see if you can't get outside and take a walk around the pool (the jury's still out, but it's only 4:00, so it's likely to happen)

Fun new things that my body did against my will today:

My skin is sloughing off. It's vile. As in, I got out of the shower, and my entire face was white and peeley. WHAT THE CRAP?! Two hours later, I walked past the bathroom mirror and I have acne the likes of which this face hasn't seen since 1987. I'm sure it's just toxins coming to the surface of my body, but still. Ewh. I can't even...

I can't bend over - to say, water a plant, or tie a shoe - without my heart racing. And then it takes an hour or so of sitting still for my heart to calm back down

My bones are starting to hurt. Not all of them, but some of them.

I can hardly wait to go back to MD Anderson on Monday for my lab work and walk my happy little self up to the triage center on the third floor and see what they have to say about these new developments in my life.

The good news:

Food is still delicious. I don't really get hungry anymore, but when food is presented to me, I love the crap out of it. Such a blessing!

I have been awake all day today. (Always a win!)

I still love sitting still. ... Gosh, I'm so grateful (ALL THE TIME) that I am not a person who gets bored. I love that I can live in my head for hours on end. Sitting still in the quiet never gets old, and I'm so incredibly grateful for that.

Check back tomorrow (if you dare) to see if

A) I'm even more of a leper
B) I decided to set Friday goals
C) My right nostril has completely caved in on itself and I'm now struggling to breath through half a mangled nose


Genevra said...

Wow. I just don't even know what to say. Wait, I will say I love you. I appreciate so much that you update so those of us not living near you can be a part of this with you. I'm so happy that food still tastes good.

Jenni said...

You're my very favorite leper, just so you know.