Don't mind that I'm throwing lyrics from Evita out as blog titles now. But for real, that line and "your little body's slowly breaking down" have been running through my head all day.
Having the soundtrack of many musicals committed to memory is both a blessing and a curse, I tell you.
(That said, I like to think that I am also "losing strength, not style". ... Just cracked myself up with that, btw.)
Anyhoo... today's been a day.
Not a bad one, altogether. In fact, most of it has been fine. Some moments, a little bit harder.
I woke up this morning missing my brother who lives in Utah. I went on my morning walk and thought through all the contingencies of traveling this weekend:
- I'd have to take Allegiant to get a decent fare, this late in the game, which means I'd be down to one carry-on. If I wore layers on the plane here, I could easily take the turquoise bag as a purse and avoid luggage fees.
- I have a doctor appointment Monday morning at 11:30. I'd either need to fly back Sunday night or move the appointment to later in the week. Either should be doable.
- I have dinner planned with some of my favorite girls on Saturday, but I could move that to next Friday.
- This will be my last Sunday dinner at the Woods' until... who knows when. I don't want to miss that. But, again, if I fly back on Sunday, I'll be okay. And then I won't have to move my dr appt...
I got home from my walk around 9:30. I changed out of my walking clothes (if I'm not going outside and/or I don't know someone is coming over, I'm more apt to be living in pj's than actual clothes around here) and sat down with the laptop to see what my options were. With Allegiant, I'd be able to fly in Thurs or Fri and back out Sunday for around $300. That was doable on my end, so I sent a quick text to my bro and his lovely wife to see if they'd be in town and free to hang out if I flew up. While I was waiting for their response, I got up and did a couple things around the house, had a potty break and then went to clean up the mess I'd made in the kitchen last night.
Aaaaaaand my knees buckled as I stood at the kitchen counter.
Because my body is tired, and because I've had so much more pain in my backside and my legs since I spent 5 1/2 hours in the car on Saturday.
So I sat down. And I cried.
Because it doesn't matter if the Allegiant schedule would work, or that the tickets were still relatively cheap (incredibly cheap for last minute fare, actually). What matters is that my body is broken, and that I'm currently not living in a space where my wants get to be the decisions about what I do with my time.
I take one step forward, and then my body forces me to take two steps back. (And those two steps generally lead me right back into bed.)
It's incredibly frustrating, because I feel better than I have in months, but my energy levels aren't awesome. And my tissue, my skin and my muscles, are damaged. My sad little body is breaking down. And while I have confidence that the damage caused by chemo won't haunt me forever... right now, the struggle is real.
And I have to be well/strong enough to travel to Houston in 10 days.
So, I'm not going to Utah this week.
It's a real bummer.
If I hadn't spent an hour and a half this morning thinking about it, planning a trip out in my head... I'm sure this day would have been 100% fine. (It was a beautiful morning. I had a great little walk. I made some progress on a couple craft projects. I prepared/cooked two actual meals for myself. I had a friend from work bring me lunch and then stay to talk until the sun went down. Truly, it was a good day.) But the harsh reality of realizing that I still can't go where I want to go, that I can't see all the people I want to see, that I'm not currently in a place where my own free will gets to decide what I do in this body... that made today just a little bit harder.