As you may or may not have noticed (I crack myself... of course you've noticed, seeing as how all I've been able to post in the last two weeks are pics of my Chia head), I haven't been posting a lot lately.
It's because I've had a lot going on.
You know, like going back to work. Even if it's only a couple hours a day, it's still taking a lot out of me. And not in a "this is killing me, and I can't believe I'm doing this" sort of way. I actually sort of love that I've been able to go back to work. Even if it's just for a few hours a day, there's a part of my day, part of my life, every day that, at the very least, looks "normal".
And going home for the 4th of July. Which was nothing short of awesome, and there will be a post with pics to follow.
Now that I mention those two things, I'm not entirely sure what else has been making me too tired to type.
But here's what I've been thinking about today... I've learned a lot in the last couple weeks.
My body has a limit. And that limit is way closer than I like to think it is. This doesn't mean that I have to stay home, or lie down, every day all day. But it does mean that I need to parcel out my time and spend my energy wisely. Beyond the fatigue that follows me everywhere I go these days, now my joints hurt and my feet are swollen - every day. (Gosh, I love late-onset chemo side effects. So much.) Most days, I can stand and/or walk without pain. Other days, after too many days of thinking I'm okay to keep pushing my pedal to the metal, I pay the price and have stay in bed until the swelling goes down.
I keep having opportunities to relearn the lesson that I need to sit down and put my feet up. Maybe this week it'll sink in? (I can tell you that I'm typing this from my magical bendy bed. So, that's a good start.)
I never cease to be amazed at my new limitations. My energy level limits what I can commit to on a daily/weekly basis and my uncertain future limits what I can commit to, both personally and professionally, long term. I've had two good, hard, cries in the last week over the lack of control I have over my future. And while I know that, really, no one can control their future... I have an increased awareness that my future is uncertain, and I've found that is causing me to hold back where I really think I would press forward, if not for my diagnosis. I am doing the best I can to live every day, but I won't deny that feeling strong enough to make a move to re-enter my actual life has created a higher awareness that I'm not who I was six months ago.
On the upside, it appears that the chemo has not destroyed my teeth. I had a cleaning appointment last week, and while the hygienist was quick to say that my gums are still pink and swollen (no duh), I don't have any active mouth sores, she counted exactly zero cavities, and my enamel is still intact. So, there's that. At least I still have decent teeth.
I'm so grateful that I have the strength and energy to do more than I could do, even a month ago. Sure, I am frustrated that I can't do all that I want to do, but I am better (and smarter) than I was. And I have every intention of getting as much as I can out of today, and tomorrow and the next day. Rinse and repeat. Ad nauseam. Heck, maybe I'll even blog about what I've up to. (But only after I've taken a nap. So you probably shouldn't hold your breath.)