Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Decisions, decisions

Some (read: most) of you have probably noticed that there hasn't been much going on here in my little corner of the www for the last couple months.

There are a lot of reasons why I haven't been posting as often. Some of them are:

I've been tired. Super tired. More tired than I have words for. I mean, T-I-R-E-D.

Part of that tiredness has spilled over into my ability to use words. (And that, my friends, is one of the hardest sentences I've ever typed.) I hate what chemo has done to my brain, to my vocabulary, to my ability to speak and/or spell well. And I've let my inability to command language stop me from writing. Partly because it's really hard for me to see typos and writing styles shift mid-post, and partly because...

I've been protecting people who love me from knowing how bad it can get here in my little world. Because there is nothing anyone can do about my brain and/or my body from giving out when I am too tired for words (or to use words properly), there's a lot that I've kept to myself.

But, today, I realized that I'm not doing myself (or any body else, really) any favors by pulling punches. So, I'm done.

I may not write the way I used to write. Sentences will be choppier. Words will be missing. (Hell, they may even be backwards. Because saying the opposite of what I meant to say is totally a thing that's been happening this summer. It's been super fun.) But I'm still me, and this is still my blog. And chemo brain is part of what has happened in the last few months of my life.

Readers, beware.

There are posts that I've written over the summer but couldn't bring myself to post because... well, the emotion was too raw (oh, right... and the writing was crap). I may or may not be going back and posting those with a back date. I don't know.

But I'm coming back.

Not that I've been gone. And it's not like the Chia Pet updates have been fake, per se. But I haven't been 100% authentic. And I've decided to change that.

You've been warned.


Genevra said...

Bring it on my friend, so that we may support you in the best way we can. I feel a Brene Brown quote coming on...

“Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.”

Oh wait, wrong one....

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

I love you Laurie. Thank you for letting us be a part of your journey through your blog, when we can't be right there next to you to support you.

Charity said...

I love you misspelled words, opposite sentences, grammatical errors and all! You are amazing and I'm here for you whatever you need!💜

Sheryl DeWitt said...

Spunky girl,I could never decide if the fatigue was worse than the chemo brain. I just embraced all that came my way. Afterall I was alive! I even helped my friends when they became forgetful or confused by diagnosing them with CBBA...chemo brain by association. You have an amazing gift of words no matter how they come to us! Hugs!

Jenni said...

Love you.

Anonymous said...

Love you. And yeah, I understand. Big Hug.

Evvie Turley said...

We all love you and are always eager to share and hear what you're going through. So, bring those crazy posts on! Love you