Sunday, September 20, 2015

Sept 20th

Today was a good day.

We have a missionary leaving our ward this week (the bishop's oldest son), so church was totally packed out this morning with Bill's high school friends and families that used to live in our ward but have since moved out into bigger homes in nicer neighborhoods. (It happens.)

It was like old home week. 

The high school kids reminded me of the time in my life that my friends and family were leaving on missions and we'd travel to be there for their "farewell" talk, and the families who'd come back to visit the ward reminded me of good times I've had with those women in the (almost ten) years I've lived in this ward.

It was kind of surreal, but in a good way, to have memories and emotions from two totally different times in my life converge. I spent all of Sunday School in the chapel, having a mini-reunion with the families who were visiting for the day, and hearing the chattering and laughter of teenagers behind us, as Bill's friends gathered around him, one last time.

It's been a while since I've had a day where I felt like so many conversations I was having were good byes, but today has been full of so many of those. I'm sure that part of that was brought on by saying goodbye to Bill, who I'm so glad I've been able to watch grow up... he's a great kid, and will be an awesome elder. But some of it is that... frankly, I'm not well.  

Between saying goodbye (literally) to Bill, having my sweet little old lady friend, Ruth, reach up and out of her wheelchair to pull me into a hug, and being (albeit temporarily) reunited with so many people who used to be a part of my weekly (and sometimes daily) life, just made today... more real than a lot of other days have been lately.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I don't feel like I can find the right words to make this make sense to me, let alone anyone else, but I needed to document this day for my own self. It's so weird to know that you're sick in a way that you don't have a guaranteed outcome, to know that your time with the people you love might be shorter than you want it to be. Usually, the lack of control over the length of my life is just a punch that I roll with. (Because, really, who knows how much time they have? Uh, no one.) I make the choice daily to make that day the best that I can, and I don't generally feel like I have a certain number of days hanging over my head. But today... today has been different. Not bad, just different. 

Just know that if you're reading this, I love you. I'm glad you're in my life. That, at some point in time (maybe even now), you've been part of my daily, weekly, monthly, annual self, and that means that you're part of who I am. Thank you, and I love you. 


Crowwyng said...

It is weird. I get it. And I love you. Big grateful hug.

Charity said...

When I read your posts I just have no words! This blog has been amazing to follow and see such strength, honesty, humor, and transparency! I love you my friend! You are such an important person to me! You got me through some pretty rough times and helped me keep my sanity when there was little around me! 😀 You make me want to be a better person! You ooze goodness and your wit and sarcasm are unmatched! I love how honest you are in every situation and pull no punches with your advice. You own who you are and make no apologies for being a strong, independent woman with her own thoughts and opinions. I cannot tell you how much your friendship means to me! Pretty much every day you bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart. I hate that you are going through this! I HATE cancer!! But you my friend I LOOOOVE more than words can say! If you need me..I'm here! Our birthday month is let's plan something! =)

Evvie Turley said...

Girl! I can't stand reading this one. I can't stand the fact that you feel that way and I don't like it! I understand it's your reality and it's the stupid raw truth of the situation. I know it has to be so scary to be feeling that way too. I know that any one of us (your thousands of friends) would change it for you if there was any humanly possible way. I would give you an organ or whatever you needed if it could kill the cancer and save your life. It BREAKS MY HEART that there isn't a way to guarantee you will be well and whole again. I supposed the only guarantee for any of us is that we will be well and whole again after we leave this earthly life. I just want you to know that we all hurt for you, with you and over you. You are such a blessing to me and SO many others. I love you with all my heart and I love being able to read your blog and feel just a tad of what you're living with daily. I'm so glad you're willing to share this with the rest of us. We need you! I love you.

Jenni said...

Love you.

Genevra said...

This was beautiful. You are beautiful inside and out. Thank you for being you. I love you.