Wednesday, October 7, 2015

The last 36

Initially, I was going to title this The Last 48, but then I realized that would imply that Monday night was rough, and that just isn't (wasn't) the case.  Monday night, I had Target popcorn for dinner. Monday night was awesome. That said...

The last couple days have been rough.

It started with my port flush yesterday. Combine a (foolish) nurse (who had, clearly, never had the pleasure of dealing with yours truly) who felt the need to warn me that that the hospital changed needle providers and this stick was gonna be worse than usual with a crippling anxiety disorder that automatically turns any mention of needle-induced pain into a high speed come apart... and all sorts of ugliness ensued. 

She was right. It did hurt more than usual. Not that she was the nurse who ended up sticking me. She sent in a replacement, real quick, after I asked her "Who would say that?!", followed by, "I'm going to have to ask you to stop talking and just do your job."

(Right now, any and all of my nurse friends are lifting their eyes to heaven and hoping they never have anyone the likes of me as a patient, I know.)

Anyway, the port was the beginning. Yesterday, around 11:00, I had the first of what would turn out to be... I don't even know how many, because I've lost count, total meltdowns. (I'm talking, repetitive, rolled up in a ball, crying so hard that my eyelids are swollen, meltdowns.)

It'a been a rough 36.

Mostly, because I'm in more pain than usual, but between the pain and stress, it's a vicious cycle.

The tissue surrounding my port is always tender for a few days after it's accessed, and I had not one, but two nurses poking and prodding me yesterday. 

The pea in my back is aggravated, because I felt crappy yesterday and spent much of the afternoon lying or sitting in an unusual position, trying to alleviate the pressure near my port.

This caused some (by which I mean: a crap ton of) back pain that was exacerbated by me spending too much time hunched over a laptop. 

Throw in stessors in every single area of my life this week, and I now have pain in my neck and between my shoulder blades that's making it painful to breathe. 

Like my body itself isn't enough to drive a girl to drink, the effect that stress has on my body anymore just makes me want to rock in a corner  (or curl up in the fetal position and cry... tomato/tomahto).

And while I've been lying here in bed all day (not really all day - I got home from work at 12:20, so it's really "only" been seven hours), I've been thinking that (feeling like) something needs to change. 

I don't know what that change is (who's kidding who? let's go ahead and upgrade that to what those changes - plural - will be), I do know that something's got to give. Soon.

And while I know that sounds like I'm being crazy dramatic at the end of a couple really hard days, what I know is that I need a change in the way the wind is blowing. (You know I do love me a solid Mary Poppins reference.) 

Fingers crossed that there's more than the fall weather coming. Maybe there really is a major change on the way. 

I hope so, because the last couple days have been hard. I mean HARD.

I'm really grateful that I don't have hard days really often, because man... when I do, they're brutal. 


Jenni said...

Oh, honey...I'm so sorry. You are SUCH a tough cookie.

And now I shall quote Bob. "Remember, there isn't a road so long that there isn't a curve in it eventually." Hope there's a good curve coming up soon for you.

Genevra said...

I am sorry to hear how much pain you are in and that life is just hitting you from all directions. Life has a way of doing that sometimes. If anyone deserves to curl up in a fetal position and cry it all out, it is you and what you are going through. I hope you get some pain relief soon.

Evvie Turley said...

Sweet hear of your suffering humbles me. I hate that no one can take away your physical pain - it doesn't seem right that in this age of medical miracles one can be left to suffer so much STILL. I guess you could be one to live on pain pills but then there are many consequences in that kind of existence that are not good at all. All I can say is that I love you and will continue to pray HARD that a good change is coming to alleviate the miserable state that you've found yourself in over the last 36. Please know we love you!

shana said...

I'm sorry things are so awful my sweet friend. Praying for you that you get some relief. I love you.

val of the south said...

At the risk of sounding like one of those annoying people who tell you how you can fix things....I have had chronic pain for years and just recently tried acupuncture for stress, anxiety and pain and got surprising relief for all 3 things.

I go to a community acupuncture clinic that has a sliding scale, so it's super cheap. You're treated in a room with other people in recliner chairs and they only put needles in your extremities and head. I thought it would be really weird, but it didn't bother me at all. I'm in Utah, but apparently it's a thing all over the US.

I don't know if it's compatible with your treatments or if you're morally opposed, but I wanted to share with you, because pain sucks! Hope you find some relief somewhere, soon :)