You know, like when I love jalapeno kettle chips so much that I feel compelled to eat the whole bag. In one sitting. Even though my mouth is on fire and my nose is running. ... That's a bad thing.
I knew it was a bad thing. And yet, it kept happening. Over and over (and over ... and, uh ... over) again. (Look, they were on sale to buy a bag and get a bag free. It's not my fault that I was overloaded on bags of kettle chips. Oh, wait. It is kind of my fault that I was overloaded on bags of kettle chips. ... Whatever.)
Anyway, I made myself sick and my tongue was numb for a couple days.
So I had to ban myself from buying chips until 2012.
It's a true story. There's a ban on me buying any kind of potato chips until 2012*, at which point, if I've proven (to myself) that I can control the chips-to-Laurie ratio over here, I will be allowed to buy chips again.
*Gas Station Exclusion to the Potato Chip Rule of 2011: If I am at a gas station (to buy gas), I am allowed to buy one small-ish, snack size bag of chips.
(I had to add the "to buy gas" part, because a day after I made this rule, I was seriously thinking about driving to the gas station just to buy chips. I had to have a firm talk with myself about the reason we have rules and that eating chips isn't good for me, so I can't just have them any time I want them. Basically, I'm like a 7 yr old boy when it comes to food.)
**Birthday Clause to the Potato Chip Rule of 2011: If anyone else were to buy chips for me and present them as a birthday gift, I'd be allowed to accept them (and eat them).
***Which, naturally, opens the Holiday Clause: If anyone were to buy me chips for Veteran's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and/or any other holiday between now and New Year's, I'd be able to eat them (and I'd be deeply beholden to any potato chip benefactor who wanted to contribute to my sad, sad cause).
I'm just saying that I'm not allowed to buy chips until 2012, but if someone (anyone or, really, everyone) else wanted to buy them for me, there are clauses built into the rule that would allow such a thing. (Also, my birthday is a week from today. Hint, hint.)
3 comments:
Oh, Laurie. You are positively amazing. I cannot express how impressed I am with the fact that you can make a rule for yourself and stick to it (notwithstanding the allowed exceptions). I'm equally impressed that you put the "e" at the end of "clause."
But, truly, I'd like to know how you avoid talking yourself out of your self-imposed rules, since they are, um, self-imposed. I am a MASTER at lifting bans I put on myself (particularly if chocolate is involved), because, I reason, they're MY bans. Therefore, I have no outside accountability issues. Oh, the clever end-runs I can manufacture with that knowledge.
So, again, I'm impressed. If you feel so inclined, clue me in on your secret. ;-}
Oh, Judy. You are adorable, in that you think I have this amazing amount of self control. I do not. I just know my limits. Notice, I did not - nor will I ever - make a rule that I cannot eat chocolate. That rule would stand for about 3 minutes before I had to run to the store and buy a bag of mini Kit-Kats to make it up to myself (and the chocolate industry as a whole) that I ever thought about going off the stuff. I can make a rule not to eat potato chips, because I don't HAVE to have them, the way I HAVE to have chocolate. ... If I have them in the house, I'll eat them. (All. I'll eat them ALL!) But if I don't buy them, I won't eat them. Problem solved.
And illusion of self control created, apparently. :-)
I hope it makes you feel better to know that I am not positively amazing. (On any level.) I just pick my battles.
Seriously fabulous writing.
You need to write a book.
The end.
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