The Red Devil

And that, kids, is how *Doxyrubicin/Adriamicin got its nickname. 

It wasn't this bright a red when I got it last time, because it was diluted in saline to go over several days. This is a hardcore bolus dose (outpatient) that takes about half an hour to push. 

I only wish I'd thought to take my phone into the bathroom with me the first time I peed after the infusion, because I am telling you... the toilet looked like it was full of Hawaiian Punch! (Oh, well. There's always next time, right?)

To prevent *fingers crossed* some of the more heinous side effects I had on this drug last year, I have an infusion on Palifermin once a day for the three days preceding chemo. (I had thought it was one infusion 72 hours before chemo and one infusion 72 hours after. That was a communication snafu. It's an infusion the three days prior, then chemo, then Neulasta the day after.) So, last week looked like this: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday - spent a couple hours every day at MDA for the premed, Friday - three and a half hours at MDA for chemo and other associated meds, Saturday - spent about half an hour at the hospital, getting the Neulasta shot. 

Here's how the side effects have been: intense nausea, with some actual vomiting thrown in for good measure. (I've thrown up more in the last week than I have in the last year, put together. It's been such a blast.) I'm crazy tired, and unbelievably weak. I have joint pain and abdominal swelling, and yeast infections in my mouth and otherwise that predate chemo of last week, so that's been a real treat. My head hurts and my teeth hurt. I have a new pain in the front of my left ribcage that I'm still hoping it's temporary, but I've had it for almost a week now, so.... it may just be a new thing. 

The good news is that I don't have mouth sores. (Knock on wood that it's not just that they haven't shown up yet!) And that's what the premed is supposed to help with, so it looks like it's doing its job. Halle-freakin-lujah!

All in all... I'm alive. And I woke up hungry today, for the first time in a week. So, that's a win. I'm crazy tired, physically, emotionally, mentally. I'll be okay for a while, and then my brain gets foggy and I can't remember what I was doing or talking about. That's so frustrating that I don't even have words for it, but I'm hanging in there and hoping that the fog will lift just a little in the next couple weeks. 

It's not easy. In fact, it's hard. Crazy hard. And sometimes I feel like I'm living a hell that is straight up indescribable, but I think that life is worth it. So, I keep going. One foot in front of the other, one nausea pill and one percocet at a time. 

*I'm not sure what it says about me, but I'm finding a certain level of comfort in having learned that the red devil dose for sarcoma is 150x the dose given to breast cancer patients. Not to minimize the hell that is the breast cancer dose. Any chemo is poison and is going to wreak havoc on a body, but part of me is seriously proud of my sick and weak body for taking that crap like a champ. A bedridden, drugged up,  sick and weak champ, for sure. But I'm still standing. (Uhm... figuratively.)

Pix of this $#*@!% tumor

Last night, I tried to upload pics from my last scan, but for whatever reason it wouldn't work.  (Probably because I was so tired that I couldn't see straight, so the gods intervened and made my phone fail, so I'd turn it off and just go to bed already. ... Don't try and tell me that divine intervention isn't a thing. I know for sure that it is!)

But hey! Tonight, I got them to upload! 

Voila!

This is a pet image. (You can tell, because it's all glowy.) Please note that my brain is WHITE HOT from all the metabolic activity going on in there. Now, please note the arrow pointing to the chunk of tumor in my ribcage. That little piece of shiz had an SUV of almost 6 on my last pet - now it's at a 14. Ugh. Also, please take a look at the new glowy bit in front, close to (hopefully, part of) the amorphous mass that's covering my large and small intestines. 

Oh, and don't worry about that super glowy spot between my legs. I don't have bladder cancer or anything. I just really (REALLY) had to pee when I was in that dang tube! It's super cute, I know. 

And here we have a side-by-side, comparing what rib 10 looked like at my last scan vs last week. 

See how, on the left, you can still see the bone that is (used to be) my rib? And on the right, you can see that the entire portion of rib bone has been encased by the bloody tumor, causing a "pathologic fracture". That's right, this dang tumor has broken my rib. Awesome possum.

I super duper hate the cancer! 

But on the other hand, it's sort of nice to have an explanation for why my back hurts so bad by the end of the day. (Also, bonus: I've had multiple medical professionals compliment me on my pain tolerance in the past week. Not a compliment I'd recommend setting out to recieve, but still. It's nice to hear that I'm not a Grade A Wuss.)

I'll write more later (by which I mean: on another day, because later tonight, I won't be doing anything other than sleeping) about the chemo and stuff. But, gosh, I hope ya'll enjoyed those pics of the inside of me. 

Project Chia Pet - Week 12

See? It's getting more and more out of control every week. Last week, I could (sort of) pull some bangs down onto my forehead. Now, it's just a big, bushy mess of curls.

I'm pretty sure that all twelve people who work at the bank commented on how curly it's getting today.

And by "curly", I'm pretty sure they meant "big". But hey, big hair has always been my trademark.

So, that said... It's good to be back.

On second thought

I may be looking a little more like Mama than I am like Richard.

Seriously. Because I shot this view of the top of my head this afternoon.

Gray - check

Curly - double check

Sassy - triple check

Possibly insane - quadruple check

Heaven help us all. 

My past, present and future selves

So, my hair started out flippy in the back and just sort of wavy in the front.

I could not have been more thrilled. I felt very much like I was channeling my inner Audrey. (Who's kidding who? We all basically knew I was a princess. I figured this new short hair proved it.)

It was awesome.

And then a couple weeks went by and it started getting curlier. I mean, WAY curlier.

But I wasn't worried.

Because I figured that if I could channel my inner Julia and pull off something like her short curly hair in Sabrina, all would remain golden.

Buuuuuuuut...

It seems to be a little curlier than Julia's hair.

And I'm started to be afraid.

I mean, very afraid.

Maybe if I could get my hands on either Gregory Peck or Harrison Ford it would help my hair not go all Simmons? ... It's worth a shot, right?

Project Chia Pet - Week 11

Aaaaaaand, here is this week's side-by-side.

Not much change. It's getting a little poofier on top as it's growing... I'm starting to get just a little concerned about what it'll do next. I'm thinking it may be time to start playing with product, to see if that'll give the illusion that I can control what's happening on my head.

We'll see...

Two of a kind

Tonight, the Jude and I went on a mission to get our matchy/matchy hairdos documented on film. 

I'm not too shabby at selfies, going solo. It's an entirely different matter when I've got to cram two faces in there. (Obviously.)

Anyway, this is the few from the front. Jude's rocking more gray in the front than I am, but from the back, we have very much the same color.

Don't worry. Neither of us broke our arms trying to get this angle in a truly backwards selfie. Oh no, Judy absolutely chased down a couple strangers and then we handed them our very expensive camera equipment and literally turned our backs to them. 

We have such grand adventures in the city!

And here's a true close up side-by-side. (No strangers were involved in the taking of these pics. This is Evans work, for sure.) Mom's hair is longer, but the curl patterns are the same and the color is very close. It's awesome! 

And I'll leave you with this awkward selfie, complete with the inclusion of a glorious handicapped sign behind us. You're welcome.

Project Chia Pet - Week 10

It appears that I have a new uniform. How is it that I've been wearing this same white shirt  three Fridays in a row? 

As you can see, Houston had made my hair a little bit bushier and flippier. It's been a super good time! 

Today's pic was taken just a moment ago, in the Dr's waiting room. (That would be me, live blogging from the waiting room, in an effort to not get too worked up.)

Stay tuned for the results follow up.  Fingers crossed that I'll be greenlit to keep growing this crazy mop of mine! 

Project Chia Pet - Week 9

Funny story. This week's side-by-side selfies were taken in the same room, wearing the same shirts. Not even on purpose. 

Obviously, they were taken at different times of the day... check our last week's shadows, vs this week's bright face, but whatev.

The bummer about both these selfies being taken in my front room is that you can't really tell how crazy my hair is these days. It started curling up a couple weeks back, and is almost officially out of control.

Here's a bonus pic for your ocular enjoyment. I took this yetserday to send to Spencer and Judy to show them we need to get together and have a group matchy/matchy hair selfie.

It's not quite long enough to just let it be and have mass curls everywhere, but I've officially lost the ability to part my hair, and my bangs are doing this new and very special thing where the front of them curls down and towards my forehead, but the section of hair right behind that is curling backwards. Totally on its own, not even on purpose.

It's like my hair KNOWS that I went to Snowflake High School in 1989.

And here's one a more close up, so you can see my sweet feathery/flippy action. 

Don't be jealous that my hair changes weekly. ... That said, I'm super curious to see what it does in the Houston humidity next week!

Project Chia Pet - Week 8

Okay, so... here are the pics from last week.

Don't worry about how it's Tuesday and I'm just barely posting last Friday's side-by-side.

The pic was taken Friday night. I just totally spaced uploading it. (Ha!) I had some friends come into town for the weekend and I took this right before walking out the door to dinner Friday night. (You may or may not have noticed, but on the off chance that you didn't... I'm gonna go right ahead and point out that my cheeks look less chubby in the pic on the right. It appears that I was correct and it was the angle of the camera the week before. Hooray!) Anyway, I took the pic Friday night, but then came home from dinner and got straight into bed, and then spent all day Saturday with friends (and all day Sunday in bed to compensate for having been out of bed all day Saturday... my life is such a fun balancing act of down time vs. actually leaving my house). And then spaced it...

Until tonight.

When I remembered that I needed to get Week 8 the heck up here before I'm responsible for Week 9 in 72 hours.

My, how time flies when you're having fun. (And/or recuperating from having had fun. Tomato/tomahto.)

Project Chia Pet - Week 7

So...

Uhm...

Is it just me, or do my cheeks look chubbier?

It's either the box of chocolates, or the angle of the camera. (Let's blame it on the camera angle. I have a 15 yr old houseguest for the weekend and there are a lot of calories in store. I don't want to think that every single bite of cheesecake that I'm gonna eat will be going straight to by chipmunk cheeks.)

But hey!

Good news!

My hair's getting curly!

Also, I have a very strange hairline that I can barely stand. (I feel like my neck looks especially werewolfy in this pic. While I know that my hairline is weirdie and awkward, I feel like the angle the camera was held at increases the weird factor. ... I know, I know. Me and my "camera angle" theories. Just go with it. ... Please. Because the alternative is that my cheeks really did chub out in a week and my neck really does look a little Lupin-ish.)

But seriously, the hair is getting actually CURLY in the back! I'm so excited that I can hardly stand myself!

Project Chia Pet - Week 6

Remember how salt-n-pepper last week's Chia Pet selfie was?

Well...

My intent was to take today's selfie outside, too, so ya'll could see how much more gray I have, even from last week, but... it's monsoon season. Thus, the sky has been overcast much of the afternoon and it looks more like a patch of gray than... uh... almost completely gray.

I can't really tell that the length has grown much in the last week, but I can FOR SURE tell you that I've had another round of follicles wake up. My skin has been itchy as all get out for the last several days and my hair is officially at the "bushy, bushy bon hairdo" phase. I'm hoping it starts to lie down again on its own, otherwise I may be forced to start putting product in it to make it behave. (My current method is to pull a knit cap over my wet hair so it dries with  pressure added to flatten it. It's an effective method of hair taming... until it starts to rain and my hair gets wet and poofs out again. Ha!)

Project Chia Pet - Week 5

So... I'm sorry about the 24+ hour delay on what is usually a Friday post.

Here is what happened: I forgot to take the weekly update pic outside, in the light of day, on Friday. I've seen a lot of friends and family this week (on my Utah pilgrimage), and one thing I've heard over and over again is that my hair looks SO DIFFERENT in real life,  than it does in the Chia Pet updates. (Something about how ya'll can't see how gray it is, or that it truly is long enough to comb, in the pics that had been taken inside with crappy lighting.)

So, here is a pic with natural light. Enjoy the crap out of my "silver highlights". 

I say that like I don't love the gray.

I actually do. A lot. (And not just because I grew it myself out of my own head.) I think the steely gray is pretty sweet.

Also, as an added bonus... I thought it would be a good time to include a six week time lapse to show how much my hair has grown since I took the first Friday pic when we were in Houston last month.

It was about four weeks in that I could start combing, pulling, pushing, patting and/or by putting a hat on my head while my hair dried to force it to stay down, to give the illusion of a part and/or actual hairdo. But look! I'm there!

It's been coming in pretty fast. Not as fast as I thought it would, based on how quickly it used to grow (about an inch a month), but considering the effect chemo has had just about everywhere else... I'll take it.

Project Chia Pet - Week 4

Iiiiiiiiiiiit's Friday! ... And we all know what that means around here!

Let's not compare how last week's pic was taken at 10 PM (man alive, I look exhausted!), against this morning's 7 AM shot (but seriously, doesn't my skin look great? not even 1% sallow!).

You can't really SEE that there has been growth, but I promise that there has been. Last week, I could sort of (barely) get the top combed over to the side. Now, I live in a place where the top hairs are totally long enough to stay "done".

Yesterday, I had a coworker comment on how much she likes the style of my short hair. I just laughed and then thanked her, telling her it's just the way it's grown back in. She seemed shocked. On the one hand, this is hilarious to me. On the other, I'm pretty stoked that the hair is starting to look like an intentional, stylish, thing... and not so much like a science experiment.

I measured it this morning, just for kicks, and it's just over 1 cm. (I tried to take a pic to prove it, but the angle of the camera over my hand having to hold this super short hair against a measuring tape wasn't working for me. So, you'll just have to trust me.)

Project Chia Pet - Week 3

Don't worry that it was after 10:00 PM before I thought to take my weekly Chia Pet Selfie and the bags under my eyes tell the tale of a very tired Cancer Girl at the end of a very long week...

While I am about 72 shades of tired right now, I am still THRILLED to be able to post this week's side-by-side. Why? Because, ladies and gentlemen, my hair is now long enough to comb.

Also, I have bangs.

Sort of.

Aaaaaaaand... maybe a little bit of a beard. (Ah, the hormonal imbalances caused by chemo. It's all so very sexy.) But I like to think that the eyelashes distract from my super fuzzy peach fuzz. (And if I'm wrong, I don't want to hear about it, pleaseandthankyou.)

Project Chia Pet - Week 2

Here I am with this week's side-by-side.

I know, it's another with glasses and with not glasses (aka: contacts), so it's not an exact sameness of me (don't worry - from here on out, I'll be all contacts all the time, so you can see a more accurate comparison), but there's been a significant amount of growth in the last week.

It's getting thicker, and I'm starting to get some pokey little bangs going on.

Also, here's a side shot of my sweet sideburns. (For some reason, the darker and longer mysideburns get, the more I feel like this is an actual haircut and less of a science projdct.)

As it gets longer, it's becoming more unruly, which gives me hope that it's curly. (Fingers crossed!)

Project Chia Pet - Week 1

I've had a lot of comments on my hair growth in the last week, and today I had the thought... "What if I documented how fast it's growing by doing comparison shots every week?!"

And then I picked up my phone and took a selfie to do just that. Don't worry that I'm wearing my pink flowery robe and my glasses instead of actual clothes and my contacts here, so it's not an EXACT side-by-side.

But still... Would ya look at that?

It's darker.

And it's longer.

This time last week, I could barely grab onto the hair on the top of my head. Now, it's long enough that I can actually PULL it! ... It's very exciting. (Possibly also a little masochistic, because I yank on it about twenty times a day (uhhhh... because I can!), but mostly it's just exciting.)

My plan is to do a selfie side-by-side every Friday so all thirteen of you who read this ridiculous blog can have a visual of my new Chia hair as it comes back in. You're so welcome.

*Answers to questions I get asked all the time:

Yes, it's super soft.

I can't tell yet whether it's curly or straight.

It's very close to my original color, with maybe a little more gray mixed in.

No, I'm not shampooing it. (Some things never change, right?) But seriously, it doesn't need to be washed. It doesn't get greasy or dirty feeling. At all. If anything, my scalp is still so dry that I feel compelled to rub moisturizer into the top of my head twice a week. It's so weird.

That was then, and this is now

Six weeks ago, this was the view from the top:

And now...

I CAN SEE MY FEET!

(Yeah, that's the same manicure I got the day of surgery. Don't judge. I have more important things to do than paint my toenails. Like painting my fingernails while I watch Castle.)

Before and After

A lot can happen in four weeks.

Especially when one undergoes major surgery to A) literally save one's life (by removing malignant growths) as well as B) metaphorically save one's life (with a multiple hernia repair ... because, I am telling you, that stupid hernia made me want to die some days).

28 days and 20 lbs later, I give you:

Henry Before:

Versus

Henry After:

Please note that Dr. G restored my bellybutton to me. 

In the repair of the hernia, Dr. G moved my original surgical line and then pulled tissue from both sides over each other to secure the mesh used in the repair. The bb has been MIA since June of 2010, after my first surgery.

As lame as it may sound, it's pretty awesome to see my innie again!