So, I decided that it's time to come clean and tell the cyber world what's been going on in my little corner of the world for the past few weeks. Those of you who know, know that until I knew what I was looking at, I had wanted to kind of keep things under wraps. But now that I know, I feel like it's something I should share - whether you live in my neighborhood (because I may need you to come over and vacuum) or whether you live in a far-off place (and wouldn't know, because you can't see my body changing while I go through this Summer of Insanity, but should know because you love me... and frankly, I will take all the thoughts/prayers/good karma I can get right now).
Here's the thing: I have cancer.
Yup, you read that right, and I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but there it is.
So, here's the scoop - I found out about 3 weeks ago that I had a tumor. It had gotten big enough to be crowding my organs in my abdomen, which is how we found it. It was actually a horrible cough that got me to the doctor's office - I'd been coughing for weeks, my lower back/kidneys were sore, and I was kind of tired, but otherwise I felt fine. (Yeah, I just laughed at my own self after that list and then the "otherwise, I felt fine". Good grief.) When I went in to talk to her about my cough, I also mentioned that I'd been gaining weight recently, but couldn't figure out why. They weighed me, and my actual weight hadn't changed at all - my stomach was just getting bigger. I mean, monumentally bigger. Awesome. (And weird.) But my weight hadn't changed, so there went all of my hopes and pre-self-diagnosis of a thyroid issue, or maybe diabetes. So, I went and had an ultra-sound and a CT scan, and... they found a tumor. A really big one (when they took it out, it was 22.5 pounds), which is why I'd been coughing, and why I'd been so tired. My lungs (and other organs) were really cramped with that tumor in there, which is why I'd been having a hard time breathing and why I hadn't been able to sleep very well, or eat very much. Also, the 22.5 pounder explains why I looked about 8 months pregnant (photos to follow).
Anyway, I had surgery last Tuesday, June 22, to have the tumor removed. The doctors were awesome, and so was everyone else at the hospital. I was there for a week, I came home on Tuesday this week.
When they took the tumor out, they ran all kinds of tests on it. Unfortunately, it was (sigh) malignant. The doctors are confident that they'll be able to get rid of the cancer with radiation treatments, though. I'm really fortunate that I only have to do radiation, and not both radiation and chemo. (Though I have had a nearly life-long goal/wish to have my head shaved and have a custom wig made out of my own hair, I'm grateful not to have to chemo. Frankly, as awesome as I do think wigs are, I can do without the accompanying sickness that would come with the chemo.) So, I'm grateful. My work's been really great at giving me time off, and the doctors have been awesome. My mom and dad came down when I had surgery, and my mom is staying with me right now to help take care of me. I have a crazy incision from my chest all the way down to my pelvis, so I can't bend or move around a lot, but I'm really feeling pretty good. (As long as the percocet is in full force, that is.) Besides not being able to bend in the middle, I'm actually moving around pretty well. I take my little-old-lady-walker out for a spin for 20 minutes in the morning and evening every day (it's too dang hot to go out in the middle of the day, I tell you!). I'm able to get up and down my stairs easily, albeit slowly. My arms are getting stronger, because I have to use them to get up and down - both in and out of chairs and bed. Pretty soon I may have the upper body strength of a 3 yr old. :-)
Some commonly asked questions:
How long had the tumor been there? - Not sure. Several months. It grew from my back, up and around my left side and was starting to creep up into my abdomen. It was a fairly fast growing guy, but there's no way to know exactly how long it had been there. (They can't cut a tumor open and count rings, like on a tree trunk. I know this, because I asked.)
How big was the tumor? - 22.5 pounds. When I had the CT, they were figuring it was probably around 10 lbs. I had surgery 2 weeks later. Whether the original weight estimation was off, or whether it doubled in size in 2 weeks, we'll never know.
Where was the tumor, and how did it get there? - It was in the Retroperitoneol Space (you can read up on that
here, if you'd like to know what that is). No clue how it got there. There's no known cause of the tumor, and my doctor assured me there was no way to prevent it or even know it was there until it got so big that it started causing issues with other organs.
How big is the incision? - HUGE. Any of you who know how much I freak out over a papercut can appreciate how disturbed I am by an incision that goes from about an inch under my braline all the way to my pelvis. (Egads.) The good news? It's healing well, it's not oozy or goopy - and the staples will come out this week.
Treatment? - Like I said, Radiation. I don't have a lot of details on that yet. The oncologist came and visited me in the hospital and advised that I need to make an appointment with him in 2 weeks or so. At that time, I'll know more. For now, I know that radiation is usually 3 days in a row or 5 days in a row. They won't start radiation until I've healed from surgery, which is an expected 4-6 weeks. I don't know how many weeks I'll have to do the radiation, the most common side effects are exhaustion and diarrhea (awesome - but I'll take diarrhea over constipation any day). When I know more about what I'll have to do there, I'll let you know. They're confident that they'll be able to treat/kill it with radiation, and for that, I am grateful.
What kind of tumor is it? - It's a grade 2 Retroperitoneal Liposarcoma (for more detail on Liposarcomas, if you're into that, read
here).
How am I doing/feeling/handling it? - I'm fine. I mean, as long as my pain pills are in full force, I'm fine. Towards the end of the 4 hours, I feel more in my abdomen, but for the most part I'm just tired. (You know me, any excuse to nap is a good one.) I have meltdowns every once in a while, but they're usually over silly things like I can't get my pillow in the right place. I'm dealing. All I can control here is my attitude, and I know that being upbeat and positive makes life easier - with or without cancer. I learned at a young age that "you're happier when you're happy".
I consider myself, pretty much, the most blessed woman alive. I have the most amazing support system. I have incredible family, both nuclear and extended, who are taking care of my wants and my needs. I have friends who are only a phone call away, and I have literally felt the power of prayers being offered by the many people I feel privileged to call mine. My life, as always, is good. I've been thrown a curve ball, and there are things that have been and will continue to be difficult, but I know that I am loved by the Lord and by the people in my life, and I will be fine. I may be nauseated, sore, tired and scared every once in a while, but I am and will continue to be fine.
For those of you who I haven't been able to talk to personally, I'm sorry that I had to just put it all out there like this for you. For those of you whom I have been able to talk to personally, but I haven't been able to give you all the details or return every call, I'm sorry you had to find stuff out here, too (I blame the pain meds, I've been loopy - at best - for a week or so).
To all of you who are reading this, whoever you are, I love you. I love you for caring enough about me and my wacky life to be a regular reader, and I thank you for your friendship. No way could I handle this without you. If you have any questions, please feel free to call, email or just come over. I'm pretty much housebound, and would love the company. (Just be forewarned that my hair is in a Ma Kettle-ish bun, I can't shave my legs, and it hurts to wear a bra. I'll still have mascara on, but that may be the only thing that makes me look like me right now.)
I love you. I'm grateful you're my friend - yeah,
you, whoever you are reading this right now -
I love you. Even when it's hard, I love my life, and so much of why I love it is because of the people who are in it. Thank you for being my friend, for being my support system. I love you.
