The low-down on the biopsy

So, today I had a $5,000 medical procedure done. It was awesome. The procedure itself took about 10 minutes. The prep-work? That was another story. I checked in at 6:00 - did paperwork until about 6:30 - was given the opportunity to pee in a cup (it kills me that I have to have a pregnancy test every single time I go to a hospital ... I'm telling you, folks, it's not a possibility in the world I live in) and changed into a lovely gown at 6:45 - at 7:00, I was in bed while a nice nurse named Trish was chatty in an effort to distract me while she took a half dozen or so vials of blood and put an IV in my am (her plan to distract me didn't work so well, I had to close my eyes so I didn't get pukey, not that anything could have come up, seeing as how I'd been on a total fast for over 8 hours by that point) - at 7:30, Jo was allowed to come back and hang out for a few minutes until I got wheeled to a remote corner of the hospital - at 8:00, I was in a CT room, being transferred from my rolly-cart-bed to a CT bed - I was then covered in EKG-like stickers so they could monitor my vitals before-during-after the procedure, packed in with pillows and heated blankets and then run through the CT tube a couple good times as tests - doc came in about half an hour later, numbed my back with a Novocaine-like substance (seriously, it felt just like getting a shot at the dentist) and then proceeded to stick me in the back with what I would assume was a very sharp and long needle (bless him for hiding it from me) approximately five times (the first few samples were "stringy" - ewh - not sure what that means, but ewh) - the doctor threw a regular band aid on the puncture site at the end of the procedure, told me I can take it off tomorrow - I was rolled back onto my rolly-cart-bed and escorted (by which I mean: pushed) back to Recovery, where I was allowed to order some breakfast off The Most Incredible Hospital Menu of all time. (Cinnamon roll, bacon and apple juice, thanks.) I took a nap for about an hour before they let me come home, then I slept for another three or so hours once my trusty chauffeur got me home.

All in all, it was a pretty cushy - albeit expensive - day. (Thank HEAVEN for insurance! Amen.)

The procedure itself? It was pretty much cake. I did have a slight issue with a sweet little nursing student who tried to tell me that it doesn't hurt to bend your arm, even when you have an IV in it. (I contributed to her education by telling her that she doesn't get to tell me what hurts and what doesn't. Snappish, I know, but what the heck?!) Other than that, it was all very low-key. The highlight of the morning was the disclosure I had to sign before they did the procedure. It made me giggle, and I honestly thought about asking for a blank copy, just so I could quote it here. Unfortunately, I was pretty heavily medicated, so that thought never progressed to action. I'll paraphrase, please forgive my lack of legal/medical jargon. Apparently, biopsies can have an effect on kidney function. Something about internal bleeding... I don't remember all the details, but it did crack me up that I had to sign a form that listed lessened kidney function as a possible side effect of a procedure that I was having performed before they most likely would remove my kidney, regardless of results. My immediate thought? "I'm pretty sure the malignant growth attached to my kidney is affecting it more than this procedure will." True story.

So, there's the scoop on biopsies. Easy-peasy. They cover the wound up with a regular old band aid. And the disclosure is amusing.

Results take 2-3 days to turn, so it will be early-middle next week before I have any answers as to the results, or anything more than a guess as to what comes next. Stay tuned for more info. I'll update as soon as I have intel. (Yeah, I said "intel". Guess who's been re-watching Burn Notice, Season 3, in her spare time?)