This morning, I was reminded of a conversation that I had with a friend a few days ago. I'd been talking with one of my favorite people, a dear friend who was frustrated with some of the turns that her life has taken. Knowing my diagnosis, and that I've been sort of all over the map the last couple weeks as far as finding out that I have a new tumor and figuring out where I'll go from here, she asked me if I don't sometimes wonder if there's a reason why things happen, if there really is a plan.
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What an interesting (and honest, bless her heart!) question. I will tell you what I told her - I don't wonder if there is a plan. I know that there is one. There has to be, because so much of what happens in my life isn't something that I'd choose. There is so much that isn't rational or logical. There's so much that doesn't make sense and cannot be explained that I have to believe in a greater power, in "a plan". Faith is my only option.
I have to believe that there is a God who loves me, who knows who I am, and who has a plan for my life. I have no other option than to believe that cancer is happening to me for a reason. I cannot accept that this is happenstance, that it is random, that there isn't a grand plan that I am a part of.
I believe that this life is a blip in the timeline of the eternities. I believe that I fought for the right to come to Earth and to live in this body. (Yes, this body.) I believe that, before I came here, I was able to see at least some of experiences that I would have in mortality. I believe that my spirit self saw some of the hardest, darkest things I would need to do while I was here, and that I said I would do them, because I knew that I could. (Mind you, this would be my super confident spirit self, before I knew what it would be like to live in this body - but I have to believe that there is a part of me that knows me better than I know myself, a part of me that knew I could do really hard things, and that I willingly subscribed to those experiences for the privilege of having this body.)
I don't know exactly what the plan is, but I know that there is one. I know the Lord is mindful of me, that He loves me and that He has a plan for my life. I have to know these things, or nothing makes any sense.
We sang Be Still, My Soul in church yesterday and the second verse just reached right out and grabbed me. I've been mulling it over for the last two days:
Be still, my soul; Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as He has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake; all now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know that He came and that He lived and that He died for me. I am grateful for the knowledge that the atonement covers not only our sins, but also our infirmities and our sorrows. I love that one of the names for the Savior is the Comforter. I revel in the comfort that comes of knowing that He knows how I feel, that He knows where I have been and, more importantly, He knows where I am going.
Again, I don't wonder if there is a plan. I can't afford to. I have to know. It is my only option.
How grateful I am for friends who ask me questions that I need to have an answer to. I am grateful for clarifying conversations, for the opportunity to reach down deep inside myself and find an answer (and strength) that were there all along.
There's a lot about cancer that is super, duper stinky - but one of the cool things about being sick is the clarity of thought that comes of having to boil down any questions I might have and realize that even if it's cliche, it is true that "with God, all things are possible". (Enjoyable? Uh... I wouldn't go straight to "enjoyable", actually. But most definitely possible.)
