January 16

Tonight, I closed out my online dating profile, because I know I'm not in a position to be starting a relationship. (Not that I've had all that many actual relationships come of that site. A lot of really good trainwreck-of-a-bad-date stories? Yes. Actual relationships? Not so much.) I'm not sure why it was so hard for me to click the "hide" button on my profile tonight. In December, I'd decided not to renew when it came due mid-January. For weeks before I got my MRI results, I'd had canceling that membership on the books. And yet, I am sitting here on my couch with a little bit of a broken heart that I am officially taking myself off the market. Again.

Here's a little known fact about me: I wish I had someone who loved me.

Now, I'm not saying that to get any "I love you!" comments from the peanut gallery. I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't think that having a boyfriend/husband fixes all your problems. (Please. I am not twelve. I've been around long enough to know that life is hard, and when you're in a relationship with another person, sometimes you get double the stress and/or drama that just comes of ... well ... living.) I count myself very fortunate that I've been able to provide for myself, that I've had financial and emotional stability as a single woman. I know that I am a whole person without a man in my life. I love my life and am grateful on a regular basis that I have sole custody of both the remote controls in my house. I tell you that I wish I had someone who loved me because, esp when I am sick, being single is hard. I miss having someone to talk to in the way that you can really only talk to the person who loves you. And boy howdy, what I wouldn't give for someone who would hold me and pet my hair and tell me that things are going to be alright.

Tonight, I shut a door. A door I'd been planning on shutting anyway, but it was harder than I thought it would be. When I decided, a month ago, to cancel that account, it wasn't because I thought I'd be staring cancer in the face. It turns out that I am, and I hate that right now.