I feel like it's been forever since I've written anything. (It sort of has been. I mean, you know... in the world where 4 days = forever.)
The last few days have been blessedly quiet on the emotional front. To tell the truth, I've been numb all over. It's been sort of frustrating, because I've been feeling basically nothing - but then, it's been really nice, because I've been feeling basically nothing. After several weeks of highs and lows and a seemingly endless game of emotional whiplash, it's been nice to just kind of zone out.
As I was walking this morning, however, I was having a frustrated moment with the numbness.
I'm teaching a lesson in church tomorrow and have been at a complete and utter loss as to what to teach about. (Do you love how well I plan in advance? Yeah, me too.) I've always been sort of a last minute lesson planner and/or talk put-together-er, but in the past, I've had the ability to mull a few topics over and use the spirit to help me decide what I need to address. This time, the numbness was feeling a little bit like it was holding me back from "feeling it", if you know what I mean. I've been tossing around possible topics for almost two months now (I found out, back in January, that I'd be teaching the first Sunday in March), and I've been praying every day (sometimes multiple times a day) all week, trying to land on a topic. No dice.
I was walking down Rio Salado this morning, reveling in the sound of cars rushing by (is it sick that I love the sound of traffic? it's oddly soothing to me, much like ocean waves), wondering what in the world I should talk about, and getting really frustrated that I wasn't getting any answers. I asked the Lord (in my head, because I am not one of those people who have verbal conversations with Him - really, ever - but especially when I'm walking on a public street in the early AM) what I should teach/talk about. I explained that I have been grateful for the numbness (it's been really nice not to have a complete fall apart for over a week), but expressed frustration that I wasn't feeling any direction. I explained that I want to be able to present a good lesson tomorrow, but that I just don't know what I should do or where I should go with it.
Cue the song: Where Can I Turn For Peace?
Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows, where, when I languish, where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He, only one.
He answers privately, reaches my reaching. In my Gethsemane, Savior and friend. Gentle, the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant he is and kind, love without end.
And then it hit me. I mean, like a ton of bricks, it hit me. My numbness was a version of peace. It's not the warm and fuzzy happy feeling that I usually associate with being at peace, but the numbness has been, quite literally, "a quiet hand to calm my anguish". And my mind started to work, thinking about peace. I thought about peace as a great healer, as a protector, as a warm and calm feeling. I thought about peace as confidence in knowing you've made the right decision, and the strength that comes of having faith to keep on going, even (or especially) when you don't know where you're headed. I thought about all of the reasons we need to feel peace, and all of the different ways in which we can feel that influence in our lives. ... He had reached my reaching.
Ladies and gentleman (I like to think I have at least one male reader), I had a lesson plan.
(The funny thing is, I'd been thinking about this hymn all week. For days, when I would wonder what I should teach a lesson on, this song would pop into my head and I would think "gosh, I love that song", and then I'd dismiss it as just a lovely, comforting hymn. I hadn't realized that the song being on constant replay in my head may very well be the answer to the prayers I'd been offering up, asking what to teach about. ... Yes, this is how awesome (read: not awesome) I am at receiving and following guidance from the Lord.)
I'm still not sure exactly how this lesson is going to come together. I talked to Cousin Julie for a good hour or so this afternoon (she's always one of my go-to gals when I need to talk through a topic and kind of land on a plan of attack), and I have a loose outline of what I want to say. Right now, I'm just so grateful for the realization (again) that numbness can be a protection, a blessing from the Lord, to help me get through the things that I have to do without having a constant emotional meltdown. I'm even more grateful for the opportunity I had this morning to feel Him reach right through the numbness and give me an answer that I had been searching for. Even when I am a bit of an emotional zombie, I am so blessed. I don't understand how He does it, but I'm grateful for the stability that comes of knowing that I am a daughter of God, that He knows who I am and what I need. ... I love that even when I can't feel Him right there, I know that He is.
