Today was a good day. It was a long day, I had a lot going on - and it was the first truly emotional day I've had all week, in that I've been crying on and off all the freaking day long - but it was a good day.
I met my friends Leslie and Shannon for breakfast at The Good Egg this morning. I've known those two since the mid 90's. We were all in the same BYU ward and I love them to pieces. Leslie is pretty much the blond version of me. True story. In fact, I'll tell you a little story to illustrate how easy it is to get us confused, or be conflicted in having to choose which of us is cooler and more awesome.
- Many, many moons ago Les and I were in a ward with a boy named Josh. Josh was Leslie's home teacher (and friend) and he spent enough time with her to develop a grand mal crush on her. (You can imagine why. Again, she's the blond version of me. Which translates directly into - she's fantastic!) Anyway, Josh had a huge crush on Leslie. We could all see it and none of us could blame him. The thing was, she seemed to not have a huge crush back on him - or even be aware that he loved her. After a few months of unrequited crushing, Josh moved on. Specifically, he moved on to me, the dark-haired version of Leslie. Josh and I had been good buddies for a year or so. Our apartments did a lot together, and I really enjoyed him. We dated a little in the winter, post-Leslie. We went to some plays, hung out more than we had in the past. I could tell that he liked me, and I sort of liked him back, but I wasn't sure how I felt or what I wanted, and then we had an unfortunate Valentine's Day weekend exchange. (He and Craig (his roommate) invited Julie (my roommate) and me over for dinner on Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, this didn't sound enough like a date for me to know it was a date and I left town. (Listen, Craig is 5'7" and Jule is 6'1". What part of doing something with a couple so ridiculously mis-matched in height would have made me think that what he had up his sleeve was anything more than another apartment hangout?) My friend Marc was in Cedar City for a theater thing, and I went to Cedar for the weekend. This caused some... uh... stress on our "relationship" - or whatever it was - and Josh backed off in a major way.) After the unfortunate V-Day exchange (the one and only time I ever stood someone up ... and in my defense, I didn't realize I was truly standing him up when it happened), Josh went back to crushing on Leslie for the rest of the semester. I was a little bit bummed, but I knew it was my own fault for having chosen Cedar City over Provo in February, and besides... I hadn't been sure what I wanted. When Leslie went back to NV at the end of winter semester, Josh and I went back to that weird "are we dating or are we hanging out?" zone. (I hate that zone, and thank heaven on a regular basis that I'm not 22 anymore, btw.) The difference was, this time around I was a lot more aware that I liked him and a lot more sure of what I wanted. We'd been doing the hanging out/dating dance for about six weeks when Leslie made a trip to Utah and stopped by our complex to say hi to some of her friends from the ward. She had gotten into town while I was still at work, so she'd gone by the boys' apartment first. When I got home later that evening, she came by my place to say hi and while we were talking, she told me that Josh had acted a little weird when she'd been at his place and she was afraid he might like her again and she didn't know what she was going to do with that. She loved him as a friend and didn't want to hurt him, but she just didn't feel "that way" about him. ... Of course, she told me this having no idea that the two of us had been spending a lot more time together since she'd been gone. I was torn between being confident that he had moved on and that she had no reason to think he might like her again and wondering what he'd said/done that would give her the impression that he still liked her. ... Leslie stayed for a couple hours that night. We talked, we laughed. We promised to get together again over the weekend while she was in town. It was a great night. Until about ten minutes after she left and there was a knock on my door. It was Josh. A very nervous Josh, who wanted to go on a walk. It seemed that he'd been torn up all afternoon/evening, trying to decide which of us he should be with. In the spirit of full disclosure, he told me that he'd thought when she left in the spring, that she'd walked out of his life forever - and that when she walked into his apartment that night, he'd had all the feelings he'd ever had for her come rushing back in. He told me that he liked me - a lot - but that he also liked her - a lot - and needed my permission to spend some time with her so he could figure some things out. Oh, he got my permission. In a big way, he got it. (We weren't exclusive. We'd never had "the talk". There was no reason that he had to tell me that he wasn't sure if he liked me or another girl better. The fool should have just taken her to dinner without telling me that he "needed" to, and this story might have had a different ending.) Bless his heart, but I'm here to tell you that the talk we had that night ended on a different note than, I'm sure, he'd thought it would. Josh was the first man I ever had the "if you're not sure you'd choose me, I'm no longer an option" talk with. I couldn't blame him one single bit for being sort of in love with Leslie Jones, but I sure could be the one to pull the plug. -
So, anyway. I love Leslie. In a markedly different way than Josh did, but I love her nonetheless. And like I said, we're practically the same person. She grammars, fiercely. She's hilarious. And she's the kind of girl who'd order a side of hollandaise sauce just to pour it over her hash browns. (I told you we're twin souls.)
Shannon, I also love. Shan's one of my "pretend cousins". Her apartment was full of some of the most fun-loving girls I've ever known in my life, and Julie and I made them all honorary cousins within weeks of knowing them. Shannon's a blast, an incredible photographer and a creative genius. She's the kind of mom who'd decorate the nursery with guitars and bring her baby home from the hospital in an ACDC onesie.
Breakfast lasted for over two hours. We laughed - super hard and so much that people at the other tables gawked a little. (I love it when that happens.) We talked about the past and the future. We talked about Shannon's imminent C-section. We talked about books and movies and music. We ate a lot of pork products. (I totally scored, in that Shannon's so pregnant that she couldn't fit all of her food into her belly and I inherited her leftover bacon.) We vowed to get together again, soon.
As we were leaving, Leslie hugged me like she couldn't let go and while she hugged me, she told me that she loved me. She reminded me that she is there for me. She asked me to call if I need anything, even if what I need is just someone to sit on the couch and just be with me. And then my dam broke. All week, I'd been holding things together fairly well. I was weepy a few times, but I hadn't had one single solitary meltdown. Until this morning, when one of my oldest friends and favorite people reminded me that, even when things are hard and seem impossible, I have a support system that is deep and wide.
Immediately following breakfast with two of my favorite BYU 3rd ward girls, I met some of my favorite Taylor girls for lunch at Paradise Bakery. (I love it there. Paradise = Heaven.)
Loni and Lindsay (plus Anna, Lindsay's adorable baby and their niece Kelsey) and I enjoyed a delicious and leisurely lunch, complete with cookies and Coke. We talked about their parents, my parents, work and play and all manner of things, both serious and humorous. We laughed. I cried. It was so good to see them. I love those girls. I've known them since I was in junior high and they were little, bitty things. They're both such incredible and strong women. I'm so grateful for the history I have with their family, and for their friendship.
The rest of the day was spent reading, watching Burn Notice and looking at the stack of dishes on my counter that really should be in my pantry. (I just look at them. Every day. I have yet to actually do something about getting them back into the pantry, where they belong. Someday I will.)
It was a good day. A little emotional, but mostly in an awesome "gosh, I have such great friends and I love them!" sort of way.
